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In previous postings, I've talked about people who "Don't Get It" - meaning people who can't grasp that fact that women can me ministers too. This time I'm delving into a similar problem- only this time with other ministers.

To recap for new readers, my wife is THE pastor at our church. Not the children's pastor. Not the associate paster. Not A pastor on staff- she's THE only, lone, one pastor our church has.

As a Pastor's Husband, I occasionally tag along with my wife when she's at meetings with other ministers in our denomination. These sessions are scheduled for the convenience of ministers that work on the weekends- and are thus mostly in the middle of the week during daytime hours. (See also Our Unusual Schedule )


One recent event my wife went to was far enough away that she had to fly there. I declined to spend my limited remaining vacation time on this trip, so it was me & the kids at home. Mac & Cheese, PB&J, and lots of runs to the park.

On this particular trip was an invite-only deal, with about 100 ministers hand selected. At the start of this event, my wife was in a long line of other ministers entering the conference room. Some "big wigs" of the denomination were there to shake hands and greet people as they entered.

They shook hands with the (male) minister in front of her in line. Then they looked right past her. And shook hands with the (male) minister behind her.

She was not mistaken for being married to anyone around her. She was simply invisible. I presume they thought her minister husband was around there somewhere. It never occurred to them that she might just be one of the hand selected people they had invited.

I asked my wife if she said anything. I'd like to think that I would have, and something to properly embarrass them. She said no- and I understand her concern not to be viewed as an in-your-face feminist who's there to cause trouble.

The message she received from this was very clear- you're here, but you're not one of the guys. It tainted the rest of the time she spent there. She went excited, and returned feeling defeated & left out.

There have been other gatherings, where easily 1/3 of the audience was female, and nearly 100% were credentialed ministers. One speaker at the event repeatedly used the phrase "Men, we need to..." He never acknowledged that there were women in the audience. The message was clear. Some some of us really would rather you weren't here- and we'll pretend you're not here until that happens.

I don't think that was happening at the meeting my wife flew out to. I don't think there was malice at play. But there was also an assumption about what a pastor looks like.

For example, the lunch & dinner seating was 4 to a table. Two couples. Well, my wife was there- but I happened to be working during... working hours. Most non-ministers do happen to work during working hours. So I wasn't there. That made for an awkward seating arrangement. There's a built-in assumption that a minister looks a specific way, and so does his wife. She's the one that tags along supportively.

I do want to make it clear that not all of her work gatherings are like that. Especially at the local level, she has awesome support and excellent guidance & leadership close at hand. Some of the best advice she's gotten has been from pastors directly over her in leadership, and from pastors in our area. It's easy to take that for granted, when not everyone has that.


I'm going to be going to a district function with my wife in a couple weeks. Wish me luck. I am sorely tempted to wear an obnoxious tag that says "No, she's the pastor. Visit my Pastor's Husband blog."

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