Jul 17, 2007: What's it like being a Pastor's Husband?
That's a question I get from time to time, and one I always have a hard time answering. I can describe what it's not like a whole lot easier.
The stereotype of the Pastor's Wife is easy. Play the piano Sunday morning. Teach Sunday School. Host women's Bible studies and luncheons. Be an ideal house maker with no outside job. Primly sit in the front pew with the PK's, ready to rap knuckles and keep the kids looking respectfully attentive.
That's not me.
Actually, it's pretty cool being a PH. Since there is no stereotype, I get to define the role any way I want to. Some people seem to think I ought to have a title (First husband?). I have had more than one person try to call me a pastor- which is odd since I have no pastoral training, don't have a formal job in our church, and have no standing within our denomination. I don't deserve, nor do I want a title. I tell people "I'm just Mitch". That seems to put and end to some awkwardness for some people who are still getting used to the idea.
Since I'm sleeping with the pastor (gasp!), I obviously can't be on staff, serve on the board or do anything budget related. During business meetings I can give input, since I'm a member, but when it comes to salary and other money topics, I sit out due to conflict of interest. (Does my wife deserve a raise? Why yes, and a huge one!) And yes, that means I don't think having a husband & wife pastoral team in a church is a good idea.
Until recently, I didn't even know any other PH's out there. It stood to reason they existed, but I didn't know any. (PH2 and I are working on fixing that- join us and post some comments here & there!)
So what DO I do? Just about as little or much as I want. When we came to this church, I was the resident geek. It only made sense for me to run the laptop showing song lyrics and sermon slides. These days I've got a rotation of people, so I'm only in the sound booth once or twice a month. I'm also the free tech support guy for the church's computers and our home computers. (Side note: Printers, even when located in a church, are still filled with demons. They cause paper jams, you see...)
I tried starting a men's Bible study group, but it became clear that I don't have the giftings to make that work. So I don't do that.
Our church's mid-week service is often an informal Bible study format. On a few occasions when my wife was sick, I offered to teach the class using her notes. Nobody has complained, and all feedback has been neutral to nice. I think they're just being nice, because I know don't have the training, giftings, nor the desire to do that job. I avoid it when I can.
There was a day when I tried to be at every church event, and participate in every group doing something. I felt I needed to do everything, even though my wife had no expectation that I would. I burned out. It took me a while to figure out that I was working a full-time job, and then trying to keep up with my wife's full time job too. I still do Sunday & mid-week services, but I don't always make it to the extra events going on through the week.
Wrangling the kids is about the only major difference we have with other people on Sunday. Mommy is busy all morning, sometimes getting to the church early for extra sermon prep. I drop the eldest PK in the nursery, and watch the 2m month-old during the service. (Truth be told, Grandma often asks to hold the baby PK on Sunday- leaving me totally free.)
Most of what I actively do is behind the scenes. I do a lot of praying for my wife. I lend an ear at the end of a stressful day. I give a lot of moral support and encouragement. Every Sunday I answer the questions "Did the sermon hang together? Did the message points flow together?" Since I'm normally among the first & last in the building, I end up doing a lot of setup & tear down of tables & chairs.
Our schedule during the week is pretty strange, but that's another blog posting. (stay tuned)
So, what's it like being a Pastor's Husband? Pretty easy. It's what I want it to be. If there's part of it I don't like it, I can change it.
(This post has been featured in Religion in Everyday Life blog carnival.)
The stereotype of the Pastor's Wife is easy. Play the piano Sunday morning. Teach Sunday School. Host women's Bible studies and luncheons. Be an ideal house maker with no outside job. Primly sit in the front pew with the PK's, ready to rap knuckles and keep the kids looking respectfully attentive.
That's not me.
Actually, it's pretty cool being a PH. Since there is no stereotype, I get to define the role any way I want to. Some people seem to think I ought to have a title (First husband?). I have had more than one person try to call me a pastor- which is odd since I have no pastoral training, don't have a formal job in our church, and have no standing within our denomination. I don't deserve, nor do I want a title. I tell people "I'm just Mitch". That seems to put and end to some awkwardness for some people who are still getting used to the idea.
Since I'm sleeping with the pastor (gasp!), I obviously can't be on staff, serve on the board or do anything budget related. During business meetings I can give input, since I'm a member, but when it comes to salary and other money topics, I sit out due to conflict of interest. (Does my wife deserve a raise? Why yes, and a huge one!) And yes, that means I don't think having a husband & wife pastoral team in a church is a good idea.
Until recently, I didn't even know any other PH's out there. It stood to reason they existed, but I didn't know any. (PH2 and I are working on fixing that- join us and post some comments here & there!)
So what DO I do? Just about as little or much as I want. When we came to this church, I was the resident geek. It only made sense for me to run the laptop showing song lyrics and sermon slides. These days I've got a rotation of people, so I'm only in the sound booth once or twice a month. I'm also the free tech support guy for the church's computers and our home computers. (Side note: Printers, even when located in a church, are still filled with demons. They cause paper jams, you see...)
I tried starting a men's Bible study group, but it became clear that I don't have the giftings to make that work. So I don't do that.
Our church's mid-week service is often an informal Bible study format. On a few occasions when my wife was sick, I offered to teach the class using her notes. Nobody has complained, and all feedback has been neutral to nice. I think they're just being nice, because I know don't have the training, giftings, nor the desire to do that job. I avoid it when I can.
There was a day when I tried to be at every church event, and participate in every group doing something. I felt I needed to do everything, even though my wife had no expectation that I would. I burned out. It took me a while to figure out that I was working a full-time job, and then trying to keep up with my wife's full time job too. I still do Sunday & mid-week services, but I don't always make it to the extra events going on through the week.
Wrangling the kids is about the only major difference we have with other people on Sunday. Mommy is busy all morning, sometimes getting to the church early for extra sermon prep. I drop the eldest PK in the nursery, and watch the 2m month-old during the service. (Truth be told, Grandma often asks to hold the baby PK on Sunday- leaving me totally free.)
Most of what I actively do is behind the scenes. I do a lot of praying for my wife. I lend an ear at the end of a stressful day. I give a lot of moral support and encouragement. Every Sunday I answer the questions "Did the sermon hang together? Did the message points flow together?" Since I'm normally among the first & last in the building, I end up doing a lot of setup & tear down of tables & chairs.
Our schedule during the week is pretty strange, but that's another blog posting. (stay tuned)
So, what's it like being a Pastor's Husband? Pretty easy. It's what I want it to be. If there's part of it I don't like it, I can change it.
(This post has been featured in Religion in Everyday Life blog carnival.)
Votes: 7 - Rating: 7.00
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Don wrote:
I have to echo your comments. There is no template for us. When my wife first got to her first church, they were just happy that I showed up. they expect a little more of me now, but mostly on my own terms. I'm the tech guy, too, and I sing in the choir.